Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Let’s talk about you and me.
If you just sang that in Salt-N-Pepa style, we need to be friends. I’m old school, and that song was the biggest ear worm ever. Also, it was banned in my family so obviously, I knew it by heart, haha.
So yeah. Let’s talk about sex. Sex in MM romances, to be more specific. How realistic are those scenes and even more importantly, how realistic should they be?
Well, the answer to that question depends on who you ask. Here’s the thing. Romances are by definition fiction. They’re not meant to be realistic. If they were, they’d be gay fiction and not gay romance.
That doesn’t mean everything goes and nothing needs to be realistic, but it does mean we have some creative freedom in portraying reality. And I use some of that freedom when it comes to my sex scenes.
So let’s talk about what is unrealistic:
- Lots of sex, all the time
- Guys always coming at the same time or at least, close together
- Every time always being epic and the best sex they ever had
- The size of the equipment
- The stamina of everyone involved and the lack of needed recovery time
- Everyone usually loves swallowing
- Lots of precum
- Lots of prep
To name just a few. Now, I don’t always include all of these. I’ve written some characters with smaller equipment (No Filter comes to mind), not all my books have anal sex (Healing Hand, for example), and in the Forestville Silver Foes series, I am a tad more realistic about not being able to go three times in a row.
But I do also take some liberties (think Connor and his Beast and Coulson with his big dick), and the reason is twofold: it fits my genre—gay romance—and it’s what readers want. Even if what they want isn’t always true…
(did you know that most men who bottom regularly don’t need nearly as much prep as most MM romance authors describe, including me? But it’s what most readers expect, and if we skip it, readers will criticize us sometimes…)
Let’s be honest: realistic sex isn’t necessarily the most romantic sex, and it’s not always fun to read either. Sex can be messy and embarrassing, and while I do on occasion show some of that, for the most part I try to make it pretty and perfect. That’s part of the romance, but it’s also what most readers prefer.
If the sex in MM romances gets too gritty and realistic, we authors do get dinged for that in reviews. I don’t always care about that, but I do understand where readers are coming from. I, too, read romance because I prefer that rosy fiction over the less-than-rosy reality, so while I do appreciate some level of realness, I also want my swoony romance. And part of that is great sex.
But there are a few things that are important to me. Safe sex is one of them. I think that’s an aspect that needs to be discussed in some way. Even more important is consent. I think that’s about the most important thing to include. I will admit that it’s something I’ve become more aware of over the years, so my earlier books may not highlight it as much…
Anyway, that was today’s sex talk. Now I’d love to hear your thoughts, How realistic do you think sex scenes in MM romances should be?
Hi Nora,
I totally agree with what you wrote in your article. Reading romance is an escape for me and I want the stories to be romantic and hot. Like you said, real sex is not always romantic.
Consent is a big issue and of course safe sex. I at least want the mc’s to acknowledge it at some point.
So for me “romanticized” sex is the way to go, but I still like to feel like it could be real.
Your books are amazing and I look forward to each book you publish.
Viele Gruesse,
Petra
I think that’s they key: romanticized that feels real. Thank you so much!
I most definitely started singing Let’s Talk About Sex. Though I’m really more of a Push It girl. Ah, the clubbing days…!
I’m not fussed about how realistic or not a scene is, just, did it engage me emotionally? Did the intimacy feel truly intimate (or the fucking feel truly scorching hot?!). Consent and safety are important to me, and more so now that I’m ancient and have kids and think about the trouble they could eventually face. Though I do love a great fantasy non-con or any genre dub-con and con-non-con, soooo. Yeah. (I think that comes from reading so many 80s rape-y romance novels. I still love them. No judgment. Joanna Lindsey FTW.)I think my only Nope is seeing sex with anyone Not the Hero on page for an MC. I just can’t anymore. It’s gotten worse in my old age. Dunno why, cause IRL? No worries. But there’s something about “seeing” an MC with the “wrong” person, even consensual, even if it’s realistic, even if it’s healthy for them, that makes me squirm and DNF sometimes (not always, ’cause, gotta keep it Mysterious LOL). Yup.
So, don’t care about reality–I care about…did the author make me Believe in it. Feel it. Did it evolve the relationship. That’s it. Go!
Thanks for all your wonderful stories. I’m a little behind and need to read Awakening the Sheriff. Glad to have that in the lineup!
Happy holidays and may your wishes come true and inspiration find you.
–Tashya
Push It… Now there’s a song with some double entendres, haha.
And yes, I couldn’t agree more about the emotionally engaging part. I want to FEEL something.
OMG, Joanna Lindsey… I loved her books! Read them all. It’s interesting how views have changed because those stories were the norm back then but now they feel so wrong and as you said, rapey. Like you, I can appreciate some dub con and non con, but in specific settings. It’s gotta somehow be okay in that world, so it’s usually some kind of paranormal or fantasy for me.
I like books that make me FEEL things and I totally get that most of the sex in romance books (both MF and MM) is somewhat realistic and I’m fine with that. At the same time, I do appreciate when there is a little acknowledgement of the more realistic aspect of going at it hot and heavy. As someone who is past the age of 60 I find myself at times asking why don’t they put something down to protect the sheets/duvet?!! Changing the sheets on a king size bed isn’t always that easy. LOL
I enjoy your books/audiobooks and I always read your newsletters from beginning to end!
I’m a little older and not really interested in sex scenes at all. But I understand I’m in the minority there. So If they’re present and part of the emotional connection then that’s great. I dislike it when authors then feel the need to mention every time thereafter that the couple has sex, I’m just happy to assume they do. I also dislike formulaic things like first one bottoms, then the other does, even if he’s been described as an exclusive top before that. Not every guy is versatile. My only requirement is consent, I don’t need realism.
I like a few good descriptive sex scenes per book but get bored if there are way too many – the plot tends to pause each time a sex scene starts. I’ve also appreciated sex scenes where things are a little awkward or don’t go to plan, especially the first time a couple hooks up – I’ve noticed that most in Jay Northcote’s novels and he told me it’s a deliberate choice he makes to include them. I don’t mind perfect sex scenes, though. Mostly, I’m pretty happy with any sex scenes if the plot and characters are good. I often find if I make a totally dick-driven purchase (that is, an expectation of specific kinks or loads of steam), I tend to be a bit disappointed. Thinking with the wrong head, I guess! LOL
For one sex has never been good for me. I started at 18 and almost 40 and I am still waiting for the big thing. So reading sex being the most amazing earth shattering experience is my way of living now. I am big on pork too so I love knowing whether real or not someone is coming since I just don’t
As a gay man… I can and do suspend disbelief. The sex is ridiculous most times but I reserve the ability to skim/skip and recreate the sex scene in my head instead. My biggest complaint is sex that I know will cause the bottom excruciating pain. Usually no lube because the top just can’t bare to walk 30 feet to the nightstand or get out of the shower for lube. I have never met someone who has bottomed that basically love to be ripped open screaming in agony and then taking a 9 inch jackhammer in bliss. Consent is essential, but this kind of sex leads to incredible anal bruising, ripped rectum with fissures and bleeding. It takes like a week to heal. So doing this multiple times a day, kicks me out of the story. It’s also crazy that the top will probably bottom at least once but is completely unable to take it like they dish it. Venting this was therapeutic lol. I have great appreciation for every author regardless of the sex scenes . Like I said previously, I can always skip/skim if I need to. I’m glad readers enjoy the fantasy though.
I agree. I don’t think I’ve ever written a story where they have sex without lube, and certainly not when the top has a big d•ck. Fantasy or not, but that yanks me out of the story as well because ouch, nope.