Every now and then, the discussion pops up again: gay romance isn’t realistic. MM romance authors don’t show what life for gay men is really like. They’re misrepresenting the reality of the struggles and challenges these men face. And sometimes, people who say this express a wish for more stories that show real life.

A lot of these critical remarks stem from a crucial misunderstanding about the very nature of gay romance and how it differs from gay fiction. Gay romance is, by its very definition, a romanticized story. A romance is a fictional story between two or more people that ends with a happily ever after. Please note that last part.

If a story doesn’t end with the main characters ending up together and being happy together, it’s not a romance (best example: Gone with the Wind).
If they die in the end, even after an epic love (looking at you, Romeo and Juliet), it’s not a romance.
If they both agree they’re better off as friends, it’s not a romance.
If one of them tragically dies (think of The Fault in Our Stars), it’s not a romance.

A romance HAS to end with a happily ever after, and that’s a hill I will die on. That is what makes a romance a romance. And tied into that are some lesser implicit promises to the reader, like that the dog will not die, there will be no cheating unless specifically mentioned (and yes, even if they’re on a break, it may be considered cheating…), we usually don’t show sex with other characters, and generally speaking, a romance has a positive feel to it—unless it’s dark, in which case it has to be labeled as such. But even a dark romance still has to end on a happily ever after.

Gay fiction, on the other hand, does not need that happily ever after. It can end (or begin, for that matter: no need for a meet cute in chapter 1 here) in any way the author wants. Gay fiction is a fictional story involving one or more gay/bi/non-straight characters. That’s it.

That means a romance doesn’t need to be realistic—not in all details and storylines anyway. Most of us read romance because we want an escape from reality. We want to be swept way to a world where everything will work out in the end, where love conquers all, and where there are still good and decent people.

Romances only need to be realistic to still be believable, and even then readers give authors a lot of leeway. Authors can get away with making all male siblings non-straight, for example, or by making the majority of the male inhabitants of a small town interested in men. That’s all part of the make believe.

What readers do care about is that the romance itself is realistic, that the emotions are real and that the responses and actions feel logical. That’s the part authors need to get right. Sure, it helps if authors do their research and not let characters drive across town on Manhattan in ten minutes—an absolute impossibility in real life—because at some point, those mistakes and inconsistencies will yank readers out of the story, out of what’s called the fictional dream. But there’s a lot of room for romanticizing, for leaving out the aspects of real life that don’t fit our stories.

Gay fiction does have room for all the gritty realism, and it can include darker themes, more depressing storylines for lack of a better word, and show the challenges of life for a gay/non-straight character. It still doesn’t have to be one hundred percent realistic because it’s still fiction, but there is room to incorporate everything real life throws at us.

To complain that gay romance isn’t realistic is to criticize the very nature of romance. It’s not meant to be realistic.

That doesn’t mean that anything goes, however. Especially when writing MM romance, we do have a moral obligation and responsibility to treat our characters and the topics we tackle with respect. We have to ensure we don’t propagate harmful stereotypes (eg about role patterns, body types, dynamic, etc.), reinforce casual misogynism, glance over sensitive topics that need more in-depth discussion, make light of real-life problems, or fetishize gay men.

That’s a responsibility I take very seriously—though that doesn’t mean I don’t fuck up from time to time. After all, authors are as human as everyone else…

Anyway, back to the difference between gay romance and gay fiction. I’m a die-hard romance reader and author. To each their own and I will never yuk someone else’s yum, but I very much prefer the romanticized life in MM romances over the more realistic portrayal in gay fiction. That’s a choice everyone can make for themselves. Just don’t project your preferences and expectations upon a genre that plays by different rules.